I have a son, that is true. It’s a beautiful thing. An undeserved gift from God. But is it easy? Well, as the title says – no, it’s not, in fact it’s extremely hard. I think it’s potentially the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Am I the only dad that feels this way?
How is it that the feelings I’ve been having I have not heard parroted by other fathers? How is this struggle something only I have to deal with? Is this true or has our macho-ness blocked us from being honest about our feelings on this subject?
Sure we are to be strong. Sure we are to lead our families. Sure we all want to be good dads. But I’m two months in and when I’m left alone with my son because his mom has somewhere to be – sometimes this tiny useless human pushes me all the way to my breaking point. One time he cried so hard and for so long, he produced some of his first real tears which caused ME to cry.
I’ve been told I have a difficult baby. Not all babies are like this. And although that may be true, I wonder if the men, that are already strong for sticking around and helping take care of their kids, are taking it a step further. A step, potentially too far, shoving all of the struggle down to a place where it may later erupt.
I’m sure this is not true for every father. Some may literally have the easiest baby ever. Others might have a wife who is taking the weight all on her shoulders and doesn’t ask for help. But I’m sure there is a good amount of fathers who are simply acting as if everything is okay.
Look, dads, this is hard. You don’t have to make it harder by keeping the struggle all bottled up. You’re a better father than most for the simple fact that you are there, and you are trying. So many dads today are running away from their struggle. Some run before the baby is even born. Some don’t even know they are a dad – imagine that.
If I was to say that I’ve never had a time where I hated my son – I’d be lying. If I was to say that I haven’t felt the desire to slap my crying tiny cute baby across the face – I’d be lying. What makes me a good father though, is I don’t act on these feelings. I can switch back out of hating my son in seconds (or maybe a couple hours after he’s done yelling in my face). I don’t smack my kid because I’m not going to act on my feelings of rage and be aggressive to this little useless soul. It’s important not to act out on feelings in any relationship – especially this one.
I’m a good father even though at times I feel like I’m a horrible one. Even when I feel like my son, who doesn’t even know what a color is, hates me. Sometimes I feel like because I can’t figure out what’s wrong, that I suck as a dad and need to give it up. But does any first time dad understand these feelings? Does any first time dad know what they are doing? Does my son even understand why he’s crying? (likely not, sometimes an over-tired baby’s body will automatically trigger the most bizarre response – a huge dose of adrenaline, meaning those hour long cry sessions when the baby is fed and dry – have nothing to do with anything except bizarre biology)
Look, this is not a manifesto. This is not a call to arms. And I’m certainly not calling anyone out. I’m putting this out there because this is how I’ve felt for the last two months. Although it is true that I have many friends with kids and haven’t heard many talk about how dang difficult this all is – the reality is – it probably is not as difficult for them as it is for me. Note: I said many as I do know a dad or two to have exclaimed the difficulty.
My biggest fears in the last half-decade or so, have been being a bad husband and being a bad father. I’ve done a pretty good job at being a husband despite my fears. Now, I face the hardest challenge of them all. Being a good father. Higher up I might say I’m a good dad, but I’m only two months in to a lifelong adventure, and I’m just trying to be positive. Talk myself off of a ledge, as they say.
On the other side of things I do think it’s worth mentioning that fathers don’t get enough praise. In fact the male figure in a family is typically shunned. Think about it – the majority of tv dads are all lazy dumps who couldn’t care to be involved with their families. Feminism’s cries want us to believe any complaint we have pails in comparison to what the woman has to go through. Don’t get me wrong, my wife is a champion, and watching her give birth was astonishing. She is so very strong and that whole thing (not to mention carrying the baby inside of her for the better part of a year) deserves a lot of respect and honor. But this should not mean we minimize father’s complaints, or struggles, or care. The dad has a lot to do and typically not a lot of time to do it (especially in families where only the father works and does so full-time). For dad’s that stick around, I think they ought to be heard and honored as well. They are providing one of the most important things a child needs – care from a father. Which, a child’s relationship with their father shapes and forms their view of a Father God – but that’s a topic for another day.
I’m now rambling and making way too many points, I’m sorry. But I’m just letting it all out man. Life is hard. Being married is hard. Being a dad is hard. But I know, with the power of the Holy Spirit within me, doing a pretty good job at all of these things – will be how I go down in history.
The last two days of this journey, I’ve been able to make my son smile at me, and that has practically erased all of my negative feelings towards him. Isn’t that wild?
Cool Ted Talk worth checking out on the subject of fathers: