In my previous blog regarding being a dad, I was nearing the end of what I would call “a hard time”. The first few months of being a parent are pretty difficult, time consuming, and at times, depressing. It’s a major life change that is both beautiful and disruptive, and I just let it all out in blog-form.
The main point that I wanted to get across in that blog got clouded because it was practically an emotional dump of feelings. Whether or not everything I said was true, or completely true, I still stand by it as a good representation of the overall struggle. But I started out writing with a simple point – men really don’t talk about their feelings enough – which is true, men with or without kids struggle to open up.
What ended up happening as I wrote it was I asked myself – how have I been feeling? And, with the combination of sleepless nights, or at least very poor quality sleep, mixed with all the recent conversations I had been having about the struggle, I just let it all out. The blog then became an unorganized, emotional rant, that sure, I didn’t have to post publicly. But I’m glad I did. Not only can I now look back at the progression of the beginnings of becoming a parent, but I do beleive it can be eye opening for future first-timers.
I think because of some of what I said, I probably offended some people, and for that I’m sorry. Please, do not take it personally. I received plenty of criticism, and a lot of it was very positive. The point I originally intended to make still stands. Men, share your struggle.
Now, on the other hand, we are at the three and a half month mark and I have a new point of view. I practically feel like I have a brand new lease on life. Let’s talk about that.
This is a chart of the last five years of the stock price of Yum! Brands, Inc. The parent company of Pizza Hut.
This is somewhat how I picture the trajectory of my overall state of mind. It’s fitting if that dip somewhere towards the beginning of 2020, is when my son was born. That is when the struggle began. But after about three full months passed (on the actual April 4th), we were out of the deep valley. And sure, maybe I’m not back to mid 2019 numbers (in reference to the graph again), but just as the graph starts to trend upward – that is how I foresee my future. Only getting better (for the most part). Life is what it is, as they say. And with life – comes all sorts of struggle. But I foresee my future that way because, now that I’m out of the valley, I’m only excited for what it means for my son.
Every single day he does something new. Something amazing. Some new sound. Some new expression. He sleeps through the night now, I think his all time high record was 9.5 hours. He smiles at me everyday, sometimes I don’t even have to say or do anything, I can come upstairs after a day of work, and he just looks at me and gives me the biggest smile I’ve ever seen a human give.
I no longer loathe the times when Mia needs to leave and I’m home with the baby. Not every time is he on his best behavior, but more often than not, he’s pretty easy to deal with. Sometimes I can get him to give out what is pretty much a laugh (yet, I don’t think he’s quite learned how to truly laugh).
He’s chubby. He’s got a big ol’ head. He has the very best smile. He’s healthy. He loves his mommy oh so much, and I can tell he even loves me, his crazy-haired dad. And boy oh boy, do I love him too.
I can’t express enough how much I look forward to every little new thing. Honestly I look forward to everything. I REALLY can’t wait to teach him all I possibly can. I can’t wait to teach him how to type. I can’t wait to teach him how to draw. I can wait to teach him how to ride a bike. I can’t wait to teach him to respect his mother. I can’t wait to teach him to love God. But most of those things are quite a ways away. I’m totally fine with that, because I also can’t wait for the tiny things. The ‘first’ things. When he sits up on his own, stands, crawls/walks and talks on his own. I can’t wait for the first time he puts his own dang foot in his mouth. I’m excited for him, and he still has no idea how to understand a word that I say.
It’s crazy how how much I love him. Love like this is the truest love, and what a joy it is to take part in. Sometimes I get the most joy from simply watching my wife fall deeper and deeper in love with our son.
Lastly, I just want to reiterate how important it is that we do, as men, speak about our feelings. It’s true, sometimes our feelings don’t need to be on our public blog. Most men just keep it all to themselves. I took it to the other extreme, maybe to a fault. But luckily I had already expressed a lot of what I was feeling to my wife and friends – or else that blog would likely have been quit a bit darker. I might have even considered taking it down. But, for what it is – I like it. It’s a good time capsule of the feels.
